Is your dog suffering from CFS – Chronic Fud Syndrome? Also known as Insatiable Meal Lust, CFS has impeded the progress of many fine hunting dogs. From the embarrassment of rushing back to shore for a quick bite of grass during high action waterfowl hunt, to all-out post-Thanksgiving-dinner trash bin raids, CFS has brought disgrace to hunting dog owners worldwide. Fortunately, there’s a cure. “Sirloinsia,” developed by Phidoze Labratories, taken in pill form, reduces canine cravings by simulating the constant taste of a fine sirloin. Dogs will think they’re eating, thereby dulling the neural pathways that make them lurk around the pantry in the wee hours of the morning with visions of cheese doodles on their minds.
“Lapsaluck Spray,” another virtual beef pharma wonder, has been developed for the treatment of hyper-active lickers. If your bird dog too often relishes a good paw slobber or under belly slurpathon, lightly spray this odorous beef mist into the air. Body lapping will be instantly abandoned in favor of air licking, distraction guaranteed, drool piles evaporated.
Another problem common among hunting breeds is Parlorretchitis, which manifests itself by the upchucking of feathers, beaks, hairballs, and various unidentifiable avian and varmint body parts. This typically occurs in the middle of the night in the middle of the living room. While the canine medical community recognizes the fact that this purging syndrome is in itself a cure for the problem – eviction of unwelcome gastrointestinal contents – the increased use of household chemical rug cleaners is cause enough for mitigation of the retch habit. “Binge BeGone,” manufactured by Griffonguts Ltd., breaks down the ingested wild game body parts, so the tidbits can ride on the next load of kibble processing by and pass through the dog as nature intended.
Due to overzealous breeding, many gun dogs with strong prey drive find themselves suffering from RPD – Repetitive Porcupine Disorder. This can develop when a strong lineage of happy hunting genes is crossed into lines with the extra hellbentforleather chromosome. The result is a dog that perpetually confuses porcupine quills with toothpicks. Besides showcasing a snout full of quills on an average of three times annually, other symptoms include handlers with calloused thumbs (from tweezer abrasions during quill extractions) and veterinarians taking extravagant Caribbean resort vacations thanks to the extra office visit revenue. To avoid the pain and suffering of RPD, Rover & Rover Pharma, Inc. created “Leaveitalone,” a mild narcotic that when properly administered will make RPD dogs totally uninterested in porcupines. Caution: If recommended dosage is exceeded, handlers may find their dogs lying in a heap, gazing at a lava lamp, playing old records backwards and giggling uncontrollably.